Dear Juice Cleanse,

An open letter to my juice cleanse, as inspired by Into the Gloss.  

from ryswellness.com

Dear Juice Cleanse,

I want to start off my letter to you by letting you know you suck. Things are not working out between us anymore, and I think it is time to call whatever we are off. We’re too different for each other. You’re too much for me to handle right now and I think we would both be better off going in different directions. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad between us. We had such an amazing start, you and I. We were both so hopeful that we would have a long, happy, successful relationship. Perhaps we were almost too hopeful. I decided to try things with you just a short while ago. You were so fun and exciting in the beginning. You were new, you were fresh, you promised to bring to my life what others have failed to. I remember the first time we met- what a happy time! You were tucked away in the back of the grocery store, perfectly presented in your little bottles. You looked so perfect and so happy, which made me happy. I took you home with me and was so excited for what was in store for our relationship. “We can do this,” I thought, “we can make it through.”

You started off amazing, bringing me the happiness, excitement, and freshness you had promised me. Your qualities were unlike anything I’ve ever come across. Cashew, vanilla, cinnamon, and agave-- so perfect. You made me smile with every sip. You weren’t afraid to spice things up either. All of a sudden you had lemon, cayenne, ginger, and agave all in one bottle. It was so new to me and I never wanted to let you go. Until noon came around… 

In order to remain faithful to you and to try to make things work I skipped my usual morning coffee and oatmeal- this was a hard change for me. By noon I was missing the happiness I felt earlier. I thought you were supposed to make me feel happy all the time. But no. I suppose I thought wrong. I was hungry. I was tired. I was grumpy. It was your fault. I wanted to try to make things work, but you were making it so difficult. You made it so hard for me to be faithful. I was nearly falling asleep in the library, and I needed a coffee. I felt so terrible for being unfaithful, but you made me feel terrible. 

Later, I saw another side of you I never wanted to see. The green side of you. I understand you were upset with me for hurting our relationship, but you didn’t need to take it out on me with kale, romaine, spinach, apple, cucumber, celery, parsley, ginger, and lemon. I thought we could make it work, but that side of you was too much for me, and too demanding of me. 

It wasn’t until 7 pm as I was in the library studying once again, when I finally saw you for who you were: a stomach ruiner. Was my hunger and my grumpiness not enough? You wanted to hurt my stomach as well? It was at that point I knew we need to end things. So, I went to the cafeteria, ordered chicken fingers and curly fries, and accepted our fate. Like I said: you suck. It’s not me, it’s you. 

Love and hate, 


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